My Professional Life
At the impressionable age of 18, I was almost certain that I wanted to be a doctor. I cherished the idea of helping people with ailments. I've always had a soft spot for people who are weak, diseased, and disadvantaged. This probably comes from the compassion taught by my father. My Dad always used to support the Special Olympics by donating $50,000 to this organization every year. He owned a chain of grocery stores and hardware stores, by the way, but I'll talk more about him later.
I started to study medicine at the age of 22 at Columbus University. This was in 1952, I am 75 years old now and I'm still practicing. Relatively speaking, college was always a breeze for me because I've always been naturally intelligent and highly motivated. I was always the "oddball" in class who shared all of these weird ideas. Other classmates were hesitant to hang out with me outside of school, for the most part. I earned my degree in psychiatry in 1950, and by 1952 I had already completed the Residency phase.
During my years as a psychiatrist, I got sick and tired of hearing about people's problems all of the time. I used to keep a bottle of whiskey in my drawer because I was so bored and depressed at my job. I've even shouted to seriously ill patients things like "I don't care! Get out of my office or there is going to be serious problems!" Before I reached the age of 40, I realized it was time for a career change. I wanted to stay in the field of medicine without being so bored by listening to people piss and moan all of the time. At the same time, I acknowledged the pain that terminally ill people were going through. There were many cancer patients around who knew that they were going to die, it was inevitable. I figured that it wouldn't hurt if they died early, since there was no way for them to escape the fate of their illness.
I then embarked on a journey to specialize in euthanasia. It is my belief that everyone should be in control of their own lives, so I was willing to begin helping people die as painlessly as possible. This is intended to be a highly summarized biography, I can share more details about this and that in other Pages. While I was in the process of becoming a pathologist, I met the bitch of my dreams. (If you look up 'bitch' in an old dictionary, you'd see that one of the definitions is 'a female dog.') I picked up a Pit Bull from the humane society who was 3 years old at the time. This was back in 1965. I named her Lucie. I began to have romantic feelings for Lucie and we got married one year later. My family was very opposed to our marriage, so we had a private wedding so that it would be pleasant. About two years later - Lucie gave birth to a litter of 8 human-puppies. The hybrid mixture created some very interesting results.
I have always found euthanasia to be pleasant. I take great pleasure in freeing people from pain and suffering by assisting them with suicide. What I do for a living is very economical which I will explain at another time. Thank you for reading my short biography of my professional life.
Check out these links which relate to medicine:
Natural News
The Doctors TV Show
WebMD Physician Directory I'm better than every doctor on this list, I assure you of that.
Doctors without borders
Doctor ratings and reviews
FAQ
Why do you engage in bestiality?
I see it as the wave of the future. I have full confidence that my wife will never leave me for another man, and if I catch her having an affair with a dog, I don't take it personally since dogs tend to rely on instinct rather than a full conscience as we know it. So in other words, a big part of it boils down to faithfulness. The divorce rate is too high in the USA, I prefer a bond which I know will last "until death do us apart".
I should also add that dogs have quite a bit more to offer in bed.
Why don't you post photos of yourself and family since you are so interesting?
I'm sort of a "text only" type of guy for some practical reasons, and for some personal /spiritual reasons. I don't want paparazzi groups like TMZ bothering us at any level, and I don't want to reveal our looks and locations too much, to keep hostile people at bay. There have already been hate crimes committed against me and my family; luckily there have been no deaths. I am 75 years old so I don't have a whole lot to lose at this point, as far as my personal life is concerned. My kids wear bags over their heads in public, because their appearances are quite disturbing to most people.
We have many enemies, which you will see in the next question I answer.
Why would you breed with a dog since your kids resulted in having below normal intelligence as well as social stigma?
This world needs more retarded people than it does more geniuses. To some extent, less is more in many regards. Read my blog "Are we getting too smart?" for more information on why this is. I believe that many "normal" people are spoiled to the point where they can't appreciate simple things. I consider my children beautiful, because they truly are. They ride a bullet proof short bus to a special school everyday to ensure their safety. One time some hater launched a missile from a bazooka at the short bus, but luckily he missed. I was shaking for a while, as would be expected. So I paid to have this short bus upgraded with special armor (for special people - my kids and their stupid bus driver!) as well as serious ammunition for self defense- various missiles, explosives, biological and chemical weapons. It truly is a 21st century tank! One time, quite a mess was left on the road all because some terrorists tried to harm my children on the bus. The terrorists were all in pieces! I just loved watching their flesh melt away from the sarin gas which was launched at them. Some innocent bystanders experienced the same thing, but that was still awesome! Perhaps this vehicle will resemble a 'Transformers" machine at some point.
Obviously, me and my family have many enemies. So, there will not be photos any time soon.
Do you have any jobs or hobbies that don't involve death?
Yes. When I am not working or spending time with my lovely family, I enjoy painting pictures... of all kinds of things which range from lovely scenery like mountain ranges and nuclear power plants, to unpleasant things like beautiful women with cancer and kittens. I am also a part time Catholic priest, birthday clown, and lifeguard at a large swimming facility. As noted before, I am a psychiatrist on the side. I enjoy hiking in the woods by myself, with patients, and with my family- Sometimes all three of these at once! Yes, as contradictory as it sounds I sometimes spend time by myself, family, and patients all at the same time. I won't attempt to explain it right here.
I've had many friends over the years, most of whom have "expired" over time.
Are you open to any publicity?
I wouldn't mind being an actor, but that's basically it. If I could star in any TV show, it would be The Howard Stern show. It would be nice if my entire inter-species family was on that show. I would also love being on Family Guy. 
When did you have the time of your life?
This was shortly after Betty died. I loved Betty so this might sound ironic to you. She was getting old- she died at the ripe age of 18. I had to put her to sleep since she was suffering from chronic pain. This was also at the same time that Jeffrey Dahmer was murdered in prison. Luckily, I was the assigned mortician. After a few days of preparation, I feasted on Dahmer's meat and his internal organs. There was a side of Betty's brains and heart on the side. I got quite a high from this meal, knowing that Dahmer used to eat people, and my former wife was becoming a part of me due to my consumption. To further enhance this high, I had some stoner rock music playing in the background.
Eyehategod is a stoner rock band (that is the correct spelling):
As a tribute to Jeffrey Dahmer, the band Macabre is a thrash metal band which made an album dedicated to a biography of this thoughtful, wonderful man.
These two bands can be found at Relapse Records.
Dinner is served
This is a very important update to the financial crisis I've been going through lately due to the poor economy. Recently, I conjured a scheme to collect a lot of delicious food for me and my inter-species family to eat. Before I go on about that, I want you to look at the picture above. This is someone drowning in quicksand. How did I take advantage of this substance? Read on.
We own two residences - One of them is in Washington state, our other home is in Nevada. Politically, those two states greatly differ on something. Nevada is a Castle Law state, meaning if someone trespasses onto your private property, you may use deadly force to to defend it. I decided to set up a booby trap in case there were any intruders, which of course I was hoping for because we crave fresh meat. I consider it very moral to eat any kind of creature that passes away, including humans, rather than bury them or burn them. There is obviously some diseases that make a person or animals meat worthless, but I encourage people to make other use of the body such as making furniture or sculptures out of them.
Anyhow, I set up a booby trap inside our Nevada home which I used very large quantities of quicksand. I then made it a mission to provoke people around town, being very careful about not getting hurt in the process. I wore a bullet proof vest and I mainly stayed inside of a rented car the whole time. I managed to attract a large group of angry mobsters who's intent was to hurt us or burglarize our home. I used security cameras and other equipment to see how many of them there were, where they were, what weapons they had, etc. I will only reveal basic details of this plan of mine to protect my privacy. My mouth was practically watering as all of them finally reached the hidden quicksand, and they drowned. It filled my heart with joy as these angry, hateful people were dying. I used the right words and gestures to provoke these lowlifes on the streets, and finally they provided us with a lot of meat to last us many weeks.
I did not even bother cooking them. I just skinned them and started putting the meat on our plates right away. I am especially elegant when it comes to meals, I am not unskilled, crude, or sloppy. My body has been accustomed to to uncooked meat for some time now, and I had a wonderful meal with my family. We had some classical music playing in the background like Beethoven, as well as some modern artists like Boards of Canada. I was dressed in a Tuxedo and I combined Cabernet, Snake's blood, as well as blood from the intruders to produce a delicious tasting wine. Each of us had a side of their mashed brains which was topped with herbs and spices from God-knows-What, but it splendid.
Not only did this benefit our good tastes in food, I now have a larger collection of bones than before. I intend on making a museum of some sort out of this.
I choose not to take pictures of us for the internet because of TMZ and other horrible groups. My kids usually walk around with bags over their heads to avoid exposure to the media.
