My favorite confessions from patients

I won't be posting any revealing info about any of my patients, for obvious reasons. While being a psychiatrist can be extremely boring much of the time, others it can be like a roller coaster in your favorite museum.  These are not in any order, I'll add to this list whenever applicable or whenever I have the time.

"One time I won a date with Chelsea Clinton from a raffle that this company I worked for was holding.
Long story short, I found out that she is David Duke and also Jesse Jackson (yes, she is freakishly talented and has the best makeup team ever.)
This has been the cause of my alcoholism."

"I know that I love torturing babies, but it is something which I don't even know if I do or not - I got into 'astral projection' and now I have trouble telling whats a dream and whats not."
Pro-Life tip from me: Don't get into astral projection unless you're prepared to possibly not know what is real and what isn't. I once had a different patient threaten me with a double barrel shotgun because she wanted to know that badly if she was experiencing reality or not.

"I've gone on a 'fly only' diet just to see how it would feel, and wondered if my shit or piss would smell any different. I feel good."

I'm bored and depressed, what should I do?

There are many things you can do to brighten up your day. This article won't help with severe or long term depression.

• Don't use the hand you would normally use to do everything.

This will create a nice, mild challenge for you, it helps to break the usual grind. It will also help to create and open up new pathways in the brain. If you're right handed then brush your teeth with your left hand, and use that same hand to drink, fap, or floss your teeth. Try and become a better writer with the wrong hand.  

• Read some literature that you wouldn't normally read, or watch something on TV you normally wouldn't watch.

Even if you think magazines about gardening or cars sounds mind numbing boring, read some articles in these magazines anyways. Breaking a routine is breaking a routine, and if you're still entirely sure that something bores you at least you'll know that you gave it the full effort.

• If you think cooking is tedious and boring and you seldom cook, find a recipe that's fun and out of the ordinary.

Have you ever watched some 'reality' TV show like Honey Boo Boo and thought I could never eat such a thing, that's disgusting? Well consider whatever they were eating and plan on making it yourself, but leave the 'disgusting' out of it. Make it healthy, or make it so ridiculously spicy that you and your friends can have a contest with it.

• Call up a friend who you don't like much anymore, and plan on breaking up with them. Step further out of your comfort zone than you would ever dream of.

It takes some mental strength and courage to be mean, not that you should do it. But if you want to head further down the path of self discovery, something that isn't easy or morally questionable should be considered.

• Consider doing something kind of bad for the kicks, but nothing that's too illegal. Load up a shopping cart full of groceries, leave it in the middle of an isle and just walk out. Does something like that sound like a waste of time? It isn't if you find it challenging enough and want to feel more alive.  

Again, it takes strength to do mean, risky things - not that you should. The fictional Jesus who we all know of was a very strong man but he wouldn't even hurt a fly (so he could be vulnerable if Seth Brundle was pissed off at him.) There are different kinds of strengths, and different criteria for what makes a person strong. This varies from culture to culture. One time about five years ago I was sitting on a street corner with a sign explaining that I was hungry, broke, and homeless, and this big burly, tattoo'd man who appeared to be around 30 years of age walked up to me with a five dollar bill, giving me some hope. He then spit in my eyes and some bystanders even laughed. (I can almost feel the burning from the tobacco in his spit thinking about it!)  

• Find some comedy. 

Laughter is the best medicine! This would be the easiest thing on the list, yet it could also be the most effective. When was the last time that you laughed? Go online and search for the kinds of things that made you laugh your ass off. If you're unsure of what to search for to make yourself laugh, ask friends or go on different forums for suggestions. This is one of my favorite subs on Reddit.  

Would you ever keep track of how often you laugh by keeping a log of it? Well, you might end up knowing yourself better if you did such a thing but it might take some fun out of it too. This is something I've never tried. 

Depression FAQ

I've tried all of these non medical things you suggest but I'm still battling depression. Should I take meds? Which ones?

I won't suggest any medications on this blog. You need to find a doctor in real life, I won't give any true medical advice online. I only have suggestions for people who aren't my patients, and I recommend seeing a psychiatrist if you've got ongoing depression.

I'm planning on hurting myself if I don't get the love, respect, and attention that I deserve. What do you plan on doing about it?

If you were one of my patients, I'd have you committed right away. Other than that, most people pretend to care more than what they actually do. There have been people "threatening" to kill themselves by saying how they're going to do it, with hopes that people will bend over backwards to stop them. Your family probably cares about you, and your friends would probably hate to see you die too, but it has hardly ever hurt my day on the occasion that I hear about someone killing themselves. This is even true of most of my patients; I've worried that I could have done something to prevent a patient's suicide, but I wasn't personally attached to them. One time a patient saw me off work, crossing the street downtown. He said he was going to jump off of the nearest bridge. I said to him, go for it. He was like WTF!